Christmas Time

So Toms family is now here for Christmas, all of them even Anne flew out from Texas to visit. Its nice, and I enjoy having family visit, and I know I should be happy right now. I am for the most part I have started working out again. I just cant help but be a little sad right now just thinking of the things I would be buying and would have bought for the up coming arrival of our baby. It makes me sad to know that this will not happened for us right now, I know that we will once again try and have a baby. Its just a sad thing for me to think about, I know Tom is sad. I think sometimes people forget and say stupid things like this person at work asked me when we were going to start our family, I said I am not sure we just had a miscarriage and she was all I know that but I was wondering when you are going to start try again. REALLY, its just barely been 4 months its not something you can just get over like that. I mean we were 3 months along and we thought we were safe. I know we want to try again but I am not going to say when nor are we going to put a time limit on it. We will just let it happen when it happens and let God and nature take its coarse. I love my cousins little girl Brooke and all but sometimes I just cant help but think now our kids wont be close like my cousin and I were. Cause Brooke is already 16months old, and who know when we will have a baby. It makes me sad. Today I cried some about the loss, and its like a loss of future that you thought you were going to have, not only for the baby, but for yourself and your families, not that it wont eventually come true. Its just not when you thought it would come true. I hope and pray 2010 brings my family lots of joys and happiness and truly good things for my family as well as our friends. I love my husband more now then I could have ever know he has been my rock and the person who is always there for me to cry on and to pick me up and push me forward.

Feeling Stressed Out

So we lost the baby almost a month ago. Tom gets laid off the next week after we lose the baby. I am feeling stressed out, because unemployment will not start to payout for 8 to 12 weeks from the date filled. Wow 2 to 3 months a lot can go wrong in that time. Tom has applied and applied to at least over 100 jobs. Nothing has come up yet. I know its because a lot of people who are just or more qualified people are applying to those same jobs. Its very disheartenning to know he's trying soo hard and nothing is coming his way. We have discussed some of the very real and hard decisions we may have to make. Tom and I will do what we have to survive and be able to have a future with children and a house and so on. We have a plan and we know if things start to get worse what we will do. I just feel so lost and helpless to change what is happening. I feel like our world is spinning out of control and headed for a black hole. I will not let us go into that black hole, we will do what we have to as unpleasant and unhappy as they maybe but we have to survive this,

Poems of LOSS

My Angel Baby
To the baby that I carried But never seen your eyes Or tell you how much I loved you Or ever to hear your cries.You will never be forgotten The excitement we had for your coming.When I realized I'd never hold you, The feeling I had was numbing.My angel baby is who you are.My angel baby you'll always be.Your loving memory will live in my heart So you will always be right here with me




WAITING FOR YOU
I'm pregnant I just got the news I sit rubbing by belly waiting for you.Although you can't move yet I still fell you there as I close my eyes and fall deep into prayer.Dear God, thank you for this precious child this is a miracle from heaven there is no denial.I imagine holding you as you place your hand into mine as I opened my eyes and realized the time.You left me to early and for this I still weep my womb is empty the pain is so deep.I can't help but wonder if you are OK I imagine you placing your hand into mine one day as we soar side by side in the heavens above but for now my angel I will still give you love as I rub my belly you are not there as I look up to heaven with a wondering stare.I close my eyes and begin to pray Jesus, will you please bless me again one day.



To Mother and Father
There's a corner up in heaven Where the little babies play,And our Blessed Mother watches All throughout the live long day.They're a happy lot, these babies Sure the reason's very plain For they've missed the world's contagion,Came unscathed, without it's pain. "Tis an angel band they call them And you both should happy be You're the parents of an angel 'Cause your baby's there you see.Yes, and smiling down upon you With an innocent sublime:Waiting: watching for the parents He will meet again in time.You should never be rebellious Rather thank a loving God For your little guardian angel As along life's way you plod,With a faith that never falters Clasping each the other's hand Pledge yourselves to meet your baby In that better happy land.~Author Unknown



A Part Of Me
As I sit and remember When you were still a part of me I try to forget...Your life was never meant to be.You were given a life, a soul, a name But now things will never be the same.You were mine to give life to Though only for a while Things had changed...I will never see your smile.Yet my love for you Will never disappear Through your voice, your laugh,I will never get to hear.You will always be my baby Though I've never seen your face.Not a thing in this world Can ever take your place.




"I know I'll see the sun shine bright upon my baby's face.... When I finally get to heaven, all my pain will be erased. We'll soar the skies together, as angels two by two. We'll have a sweet reunion, this mother's dream come true!" ~Unknown




They Say There is a Reason They say there is a reason,They say that time will heal,But neither time nor reason,Will change the way I feel,For no-one knows the heartache,That lies behind our smiles,No-one knows how many times,We have broken down and cried,We want to tell you something,So there won't be any doubt,You're so wonderful to think of,But so hard to be without. ~Author Unknown




"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all. Not one tiny footprint, for now I have wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things. You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angel's tears, of joy and not from pain. You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you just give me the chance. You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves. Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts. 'Cause even though I'm gone now, We'll never truly part." ~Unknown




Don't let them say, I wasn't born. That something stopped my heart I felt each tender squeeze you gave I've loved you from the start.Although my body you can't hold,It doesn't mean I'm gone.This world was worthy, not, of me God chose that I move on.I know the pain that drowns your soul,What you are forced to face.You have my word, I'll fill your arms Someday we will embrace.You'll hear that it was "meant to be,God doesn't make mistakes"But that won't soften your worst blow..Or make your heart not ache.I'm watching over all you do, another child you'll bear.Believe me when I say to you,That I am always there.There will come a time, I promise you When you will hold my hand,Stroke my face and kiss my lips And then you'll understand.Although, I've never breathed your air,Or gazed into your eyes..That doesn't mean I never "was"An Angel Never Dies........ ~Unknown




I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say: A mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear. I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today, If you could see your child smile, With other children who say: We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. "Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are OK. Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one! ~Author Unknown





Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry. Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind. Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane. That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose. When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug, Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry. I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!~Unknown

LOSSSSSS

These are my footprints,so perfect and so small.These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all.Not one tiny footprint,... for now I have wings.These tiny footprints were meant for other things.You will hear my tiny footprints,in the patter of the rain.Gentle drops like angel's tears,of joy and not from pain.You will see my tiny footprints,in each butterflies' lazy dance.I'll let you know I'm with you,if you just give me the chance.You will see my tiny footprints,in the rustle of the leaves.I will whisper names into the wind,and call each one that grieves.Most of all, these tiny footprints,are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.'Cause even though I'm gone now,We'll never truly part."

Miscarriage.

Unfortunately we have had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I think what is soo hard about this is we were almost 3 months along. I spent all of Monday night in the ER. The doctor had an ultra sound done on me and he said that there was no yolk sack and that the baby was malformed and did not have a heartbeat. I am of course devastated he said its nothing we did or could have prevented. But I am still upset, I understand that this is not my fault. It still doesn't make the pain go away, the doctor said its just usually women miscarry before they know they are pregnant or right after they find out, its just unfortunate this went on for so long. So know I have cried and will cry again. The hardest part is the after math I will spear the gory details but its really hard to have to know that's your baby coming out and you just have to deal with it. I know this is Gods plan, and I know God will give us a baby. Its just hard to cope with it all right now. Thank God for my wonderful family and friends who are there for Tom and I at this hard time in our lives. We love you.

BABY!!!

Yay, we are expecting our first child in March. So its funny we started to try for a couple of months and then Tom and I decided to wait a couple of months and get some stuff done to the house first. WELLLLLLL, guess what that was not in the master hand. lol. This baby was planned just not at this exact moment, but God does what he feels is right for everyone on his time schedule not your lol. I cant wait to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. This is the first grand-baby for both of our families, I can only guess how spoiled this kid will be. LOL

Going to the Grocery store.

Okay so when I was a kid I used to love love love to go grocery shopping with my parents. I could pick out what I wanted and it didn't matter how much it cost I wasn't paying for it lol. Plus I think to a kid price is irrelevant. So now I go to the store and get almost nothing and spend 60 dollars, wtf. URGGGGG I just hate that I have to spend 100 bucks to just get enough stuff to be able to cook decent meals. I HATE GROCERY SHOPPING NOW!!!!

Things I am happy about

So I have come to understand that there are some really really great people in my life right now. People who were gone for a while but have bloomed back into my life, that I am really glad came back. I always say god brings people back into your life at a time when its the best, for both of you, for some purpose or reason. I truly believe this with all of my being. I also have some people who have been with me for soo long and have proven time and time again that they are here for the long hall. I am now in the phase of my life where I do not want to deal with any of the drama of other peoples stuff, my life has enough ups and downs that I do not need to deal with others drama. That's not saying that I am not here to lend an ear of help any way I can, I just am not going to be around for the he said she said and petty bull anymore. I love my husband soo much and the longer we have been married the smoother and smoother things get. I'm not saying that we have alto of arguments but what couple doesn't have some, its just that things are not such big deals and you learn what to bring up and what to let slide. And we become more of a cohesive team as times passes, I know that he is my one and ONLY forever.

Wisdom teeth

So as I sit here holding an ice pack on the side of my face alternating every 20 mins, I realize this really does SUCK!!! Okay so I check in at 645 am and got some gas and then the iv to go night night. SO I wake up 30 mins later and I was done. At this point I'm feeling no pain I have the shots still active. So my mom takes me to the store and Walgreen's to get my pain meds and some soft foods to eat. So at about 11 I finally fall asleep, but as you may know, you don't get solid sleep cause your mouth is bothering you. So now I'm up and its 7pm and my left side is swollen and really sore. I also have a sore throat now all of this is normal. I get a call from the Dentist asking how things are going, I tell him about the sore throat , he tells me well each side was equally as difficult so each side may feel different, it tends to be that one side hurts more. DAMN it, so now I get to eat some jello and take a pain pill. I cant eat normal for at least 24 hours, okay that's fine. BUT I am really not comfortable at all, uhhh the joys of teeth!!! Okay so now its been more then 24 hours and all I want to eat is a bug juicy burger, oh I cant chew, so that's out. I had to call the Dr. and have him call me in some other meds because the ones I had were not helping at all. In fact I was soo restless last night Tom went and sleep-ed in the guest room, aww poor Tom. So Tom went and picked my meds up today and headed off to a friends house for a bit, and I cant blame him for not wanting to be in the house with as much fun as I am today lol. I feel back asleep at about 12pm and was up at about 8, and now I'm sleepy AGAIN. I am also starving, I though I would never say this but I am soooo soooo sick of eating jello, pudding, ice cream and all that kind of stuff, I want chicken, meat something with substance. :(((((. When will it be over?!?!?!?

HAHA

I love this site www.faceinhole.com

Disappointment

It seems like now all we have is disappointment and it seems to come in all forms. I mean somethings are just personal disappointments some are social, financial and job related. Oh and let just not forget how friends let us down, aka disappoint us. I know that life is full of disappointments along with the good. It seems like once I have one thing go good, I have another bad thing that's on a whole other level. I would really just like to get my hopes fulfilled with out having to wait forever in my mind. I really think I am not asking too much, ughhh just frustrates me!!!

Crazy Drivers

Oh my gosh what is wrong with people? Seriously, do drivers not read signs?!?!?! So I'm driving into work and there is a lane that has to yield to my lane. Hummm well this guy didn't yielded to me and then he tried to get mad at me. What?!?!?! How are you going to get mad at me I have right-away come on now. Errr this just frustrated me to no end, I guess I might have a touch of road rage.

Dinner YUM YUM!!

Okay so I read this other person Blog named Lindsey and she does this thing called crock-pot Tuesday, how cute is that. So I was looking at some of the things she has made. Well I liked one but I put my own spin on it. I took chicken breast and 1 can of cream or mushroom soup and 1 can of the cheese soup both campbells. Well I put the chicken in a glass baking dish and put the soups in with the chicken. I then baked the chicken at 400 for about 2 hours. Let me tell you this chicken was sooo moist and sooo tender we cut it with a fork. I then made some instant rice and broccoli and there we go I had a good and simple dinner. My husband was not so sure about this one but once the tasted it he LOVED it. I think I'm going to try making chicken with other kinds of soups and stuff. I didn't take a picture next time though.

New furniture

I love love love, this couch, Tom and I are going to go look at this on Saturday!! YAY I am soooo excited to hopefully be getting a new couch. FINALLY, we have had 3 couches in our house for almost 2 years. We have a huge living room so when we moved in together we just keep-ed his sections and my 2 piece couch set. It is time to get our own furniture together. We might even get a bedroom set, we do really need one. We just have a hodge podge mix of stuff right now, some of what he had some of mine. Ya know all the stuff you have to combine when you get married. Did I say I am excited yet haha!!!

It makes me wonder!

Sometimes, I wonder how people survive in this world by themselves. I mean there can be a sign directly above your head and yet someone will completely ignore the sign and ask you where the bathroom is. Okay, so by no means am I saying that I am perfect, but at least I try and help myself first. I mean I think that's what wrong with half of our youth today everything has been made WAY to easy for them. I mean don't get me wrong all the gadgets we have today make things soo much easier, but most of us remember when we didn't have these luxuries and how to do without. I mean you have graphing calculators, spell checkers, even online word punctuation and verbiage. Where is it that these kids are actually learning for themselves, let alone having to learn to do it without electronics. I'm sure most of us all remember the days where if you needed to call someone and you were out, you went to a pay phone. Also when there was NO Internet as we know it today. Come on now I even remember when it was a luxury for someone to have a computer at home. All of these gadgets make life a lot easier, but I can survive without these things, because I have been taught to be self sufficient!

Soooo funny.

So I was randomly looking on YouTube, and I found these 2 funny women. Garfunkel and Oates, check them out. Present Face and Pregnant Women are Smug are too funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMWTs0YT928&feature=channel

Things I know!!!

So this is my first "bloging" hummm, so I think I'm just going to start off with something I know to be true for me. I hope you all enjoy my blog.



1. I know that there are a select few who I trust completely.



2. I know that some people in my life are really not worth my time and effort.



3. I know that I have some hard decisions to make about a few of the people in my life.



4. I know that I am not responsible for others misgivings and misfortunes, nor will I own them.



5. I know that I want a baby, its just a matter of when, and that I will not bow down to others views or opinions of my "correct" time.



6. I know that I expect more of others because I would do the same for them. I also know that I can not expect everyone to have the same values as I do and I need to learn to deal with it.



7. I have learned that I need to demand more respect from the people in my life or else they can leave my life.



8. I have learned that I view family as something very different from most of my family. I guess I am old fashioned that way. I need to learn that I can not change how things are, that is how it is in my family and that's how it always will be. I need to be okay with this fact.



9. I have learned that family isn't always blood, that sometimes its friends that are better then your "actual" family.



10. I know that I have awesome parents and I would be no where in this life without them.



11. I know that my husband is one of the the greatest men I have ever known and he loves me no matter what and always supports me in everything I do.



12. I know that I need to end some relationships and cultivate others.



13. I know that there are some people who I have to deal with that no matter how nice, or sweet I am they will never like me. Nor with I ever be good enough, I need to be okay with this and learn to stand up to them.



14. I know that I am such a different person then I was when I went to high school, that some times it scares me. I also know that some people will always see me the way I was, and if the can not see the "new" me then let them believe what they want. I will never be able to change their minds.



15. I know that some people drift out of your life, only to drift back in a couple of years later, when things have changed.



16. I know that I am a good person, friend and daughter. I need to remember these things as to NEVER let someone tell me other wise.



These are just some of the things I know in this life for me, I'm sure there will be more to come.................................