Hummm

So its almost March now. We will be coming up on our 2 year anniversary. WOW 2 years already, wow has time flown by. It seems like we were just getting married. I find that since the miscarriage Tom and I have grown closer then ever. I love him more now then on the day that I married him, and I could have never thought that was possible. So Toms been working at this new job since October and he loves it, they seem like they are a great company to work for. Hummm lets see what has been happening in my life recently..... Well my cousin is getting married at the end of March so that something new. We are going to visit Toms sister in April and then in June my cousin kid is graduating high school. WOW high school, I feel sooo old lol, I remember when he was born. All of my second cousins are in high school and I remember when they were born. LOL Sooo all my cousins kids are almost grown up and I haven't even had one. AND I will be 30 this year I mean 30. WTF I can not believe I will be 30 how did I get so old lol, not that 30 is old. I just cant believe my 20s are gone, I mean gone already. So in June all my cousins will be out for my 2nd cousins graduation, I can not wait it has been at least 10 years since I have seen one of them, and then I was 18 and was not of legal drinking age. LOL as I am the youngest of all my cousins. So this will be a new and fun thing for us. So people keep asking me when we are going to start trying again, and to this I say I don't know. Truth be told I wont tell when we do because I don't want to hear people say oh wow still nothing, and I know people can not help themselves, and they don't say it to be mean it just happens. As more and more people I know get pregnant or have a baby, I don't feel said I just think I would have almost been ready, March 15th was our due date........

Christmas Time

So Toms family is now here for Christmas, all of them even Anne flew out from Texas to visit. Its nice, and I enjoy having family visit, and I know I should be happy right now. I am for the most part I have started working out again. I just cant help but be a little sad right now just thinking of the things I would be buying and would have bought for the up coming arrival of our baby. It makes me sad to know that this will not happened for us right now, I know that we will once again try and have a baby. Its just a sad thing for me to think about, I know Tom is sad. I think sometimes people forget and say stupid things like this person at work asked me when we were going to start our family, I said I am not sure we just had a miscarriage and she was all I know that but I was wondering when you are going to start try again. REALLY, its just barely been 4 months its not something you can just get over like that. I mean we were 3 months along and we thought we were safe. I know we want to try again but I am not going to say when nor are we going to put a time limit on it. We will just let it happen when it happens and let God and nature take its coarse. I love my cousins little girl Brooke and all but sometimes I just cant help but think now our kids wont be close like my cousin and I were. Cause Brooke is already 16months old, and who know when we will have a baby. It makes me sad. Today I cried some about the loss, and its like a loss of future that you thought you were going to have, not only for the baby, but for yourself and your families, not that it wont eventually come true. Its just not when you thought it would come true. I hope and pray 2010 brings my family lots of joys and happiness and truly good things for my family as well as our friends. I love my husband more now then I could have ever know he has been my rock and the person who is always there for me to cry on and to pick me up and push me forward.

Feeling Stressed Out

So we lost the baby almost a month ago. Tom gets laid off the next week after we lose the baby. I am feeling stressed out, because unemployment will not start to payout for 8 to 12 weeks from the date filled. Wow 2 to 3 months a lot can go wrong in that time. Tom has applied and applied to at least over 100 jobs. Nothing has come up yet. I know its because a lot of people who are just or more qualified people are applying to those same jobs. Its very disheartenning to know he's trying soo hard and nothing is coming his way. We have discussed some of the very real and hard decisions we may have to make. Tom and I will do what we have to survive and be able to have a future with children and a house and so on. We have a plan and we know if things start to get worse what we will do. I just feel so lost and helpless to change what is happening. I feel like our world is spinning out of control and headed for a black hole. I will not let us go into that black hole, we will do what we have to as unpleasant and unhappy as they maybe but we have to survive this,

Poems of LOSS

My Angel Baby
To the baby that I carried But never seen your eyes Or tell you how much I loved you Or ever to hear your cries.You will never be forgotten The excitement we had for your coming.When I realized I'd never hold you, The feeling I had was numbing.My angel baby is who you are.My angel baby you'll always be.Your loving memory will live in my heart So you will always be right here with me




WAITING FOR YOU
I'm pregnant I just got the news I sit rubbing by belly waiting for you.Although you can't move yet I still fell you there as I close my eyes and fall deep into prayer.Dear God, thank you for this precious child this is a miracle from heaven there is no denial.I imagine holding you as you place your hand into mine as I opened my eyes and realized the time.You left me to early and for this I still weep my womb is empty the pain is so deep.I can't help but wonder if you are OK I imagine you placing your hand into mine one day as we soar side by side in the heavens above but for now my angel I will still give you love as I rub my belly you are not there as I look up to heaven with a wondering stare.I close my eyes and begin to pray Jesus, will you please bless me again one day.



To Mother and Father
There's a corner up in heaven Where the little babies play,And our Blessed Mother watches All throughout the live long day.They're a happy lot, these babies Sure the reason's very plain For they've missed the world's contagion,Came unscathed, without it's pain. "Tis an angel band they call them And you both should happy be You're the parents of an angel 'Cause your baby's there you see.Yes, and smiling down upon you With an innocent sublime:Waiting: watching for the parents He will meet again in time.You should never be rebellious Rather thank a loving God For your little guardian angel As along life's way you plod,With a faith that never falters Clasping each the other's hand Pledge yourselves to meet your baby In that better happy land.~Author Unknown



A Part Of Me
As I sit and remember When you were still a part of me I try to forget...Your life was never meant to be.You were given a life, a soul, a name But now things will never be the same.You were mine to give life to Though only for a while Things had changed...I will never see your smile.Yet my love for you Will never disappear Through your voice, your laugh,I will never get to hear.You will always be my baby Though I've never seen your face.Not a thing in this world Can ever take your place.




"I know I'll see the sun shine bright upon my baby's face.... When I finally get to heaven, all my pain will be erased. We'll soar the skies together, as angels two by two. We'll have a sweet reunion, this mother's dream come true!" ~Unknown




They Say There is a Reason They say there is a reason,They say that time will heal,But neither time nor reason,Will change the way I feel,For no-one knows the heartache,That lies behind our smiles,No-one knows how many times,We have broken down and cried,We want to tell you something,So there won't be any doubt,You're so wonderful to think of,But so hard to be without. ~Author Unknown




"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all. Not one tiny footprint, for now I have wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things. You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angel's tears, of joy and not from pain. You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you just give me the chance. You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves. Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts. 'Cause even though I'm gone now, We'll never truly part." ~Unknown




Don't let them say, I wasn't born. That something stopped my heart I felt each tender squeeze you gave I've loved you from the start.Although my body you can't hold,It doesn't mean I'm gone.This world was worthy, not, of me God chose that I move on.I know the pain that drowns your soul,What you are forced to face.You have my word, I'll fill your arms Someday we will embrace.You'll hear that it was "meant to be,God doesn't make mistakes"But that won't soften your worst blow..Or make your heart not ache.I'm watching over all you do, another child you'll bear.Believe me when I say to you,That I am always there.There will come a time, I promise you When you will hold my hand,Stroke my face and kiss my lips And then you'll understand.Although, I've never breathed your air,Or gazed into your eyes..That doesn't mean I never "was"An Angel Never Dies........ ~Unknown




I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say: A mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear. I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today, If you could see your child smile, With other children who say: We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. "Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are OK. Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one! ~Author Unknown





Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry. Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind. Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light. You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane. That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose. When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug, Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry. I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!~Unknown

LOSSSSSS

These are my footprints,so perfect and so small.These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all.Not one tiny footprint,... for now I have wings.These tiny footprints were meant for other things.You will hear my tiny footprints,in the patter of the rain.Gentle drops like angel's tears,of joy and not from pain.You will see my tiny footprints,in each butterflies' lazy dance.I'll let you know I'm with you,if you just give me the chance.You will see my tiny footprints,in the rustle of the leaves.I will whisper names into the wind,and call each one that grieves.Most of all, these tiny footprints,are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.'Cause even though I'm gone now,We'll never truly part."

Miscarriage.

Unfortunately we have had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I think what is soo hard about this is we were almost 3 months along. I spent all of Monday night in the ER. The doctor had an ultra sound done on me and he said that there was no yolk sack and that the baby was malformed and did not have a heartbeat. I am of course devastated he said its nothing we did or could have prevented. But I am still upset, I understand that this is not my fault. It still doesn't make the pain go away, the doctor said its just usually women miscarry before they know they are pregnant or right after they find out, its just unfortunate this went on for so long. So know I have cried and will cry again. The hardest part is the after math I will spear the gory details but its really hard to have to know that's your baby coming out and you just have to deal with it. I know this is Gods plan, and I know God will give us a baby. Its just hard to cope with it all right now. Thank God for my wonderful family and friends who are there for Tom and I at this hard time in our lives. We love you.

BABY!!!

Yay, we are expecting our first child in March. So its funny we started to try for a couple of months and then Tom and I decided to wait a couple of months and get some stuff done to the house first. WELLLLLLL, guess what that was not in the master hand. lol. This baby was planned just not at this exact moment, but God does what he feels is right for everyone on his time schedule not your lol. I cant wait to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. This is the first grand-baby for both of our families, I can only guess how spoiled this kid will be. LOL